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Looks like another night alone. It's hard for me to sleep not knowing. Knowing
is worse. Knowledge is power, knowledge is truth. Truth is suffering. Suffer in
truth. I feel bad you know. Yesterday, I told a friend that I didn't want to see her.
I led her on for a week and then cancelled on her. I should've never let her talk to
me like that. I should've refused her advances. I never actually saw her though.
It's times like this that the internet is great for being impersonal. I feel bad still
though. I guess I am passing on the energy of unmet expectations. I need a
better outlet for it. That was definitely the wrong way to handle the energy.
Expectations are beliefs. We struggle with our beliefs and they imprison us. It's
part of shaving the inside of your skull. It's that we take our beliefs and cut them
off. Examine each and decide why it's there. Decide if this is what we truly are.
Being is the most important thing. Not being is nonexistence. Your nonexistence
makes me feel empty. I wish for these things to revert back, like a reset button
on the console of life. It's stupid to want something like that, you can't actually have
it. It's stupid to want something you can't have... you know?
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